Graffiti on a restroom wall.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Dear Hank,
Thank you so much for offering to housesit at the last minute like this. I hope you found the key all right. Either you did, or you gave up and broke in, and now you’re reading this note feeling really guilty about breaking one of my windows. (Ha ha!) I usually get Lucy to take care of things while I’m gone, but this is the week that she goes to build Inuksuks in Montreal. Do you know what Inuksuks are? They are little stone structures built in the image of men to let travelers know they are not alone on long hikes. I don’t know why she’s so into that, but she does it twice a year. She says it calms her soul, which she really needs, because Lucy is pretty tightly wound most of the time. Her parents could not have named her more incorrectly. (HA HA, get it?) Anyway, when she gets really out of control, she goes to Canada and piles rocks on top of each other on hiking trails and she says it really helps. And the weird thing is, she’s not even a hiker herself. She rents a car and drives up as close as she can to the pathways, builds one of these things right in the middle, gets back in the car, and drives about a mile down the path and makes another one. One time I came home after a trip and she had a bunch of those little things on the floor all over my house. Now that I think about it, I’m glad Lucy’s not around.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to be writing a whole big thing about crazy Lucy. I have to tell you some things about how to take care of my house. I don’t know if you’ve housesat before (or is it housesitted? Both of them sound wrong) but I’m sure you’ll be fine. You seem very responsible. I’ve never heard anyone say anything bad about you, Hank. I hope it’s because you’re secretly disemboweling anyone who knows your dirty secrets! Ha ha ha! Seriously though, I hope you’re not a freak.
Okay, so just a few things. By now you’ve probably met Frank. I imagine he came running up to the door when you came in, thinking it was me, and then just stared at you for a while wondering what you’re doing in his house. So cute, huh? Now, obviously Frank isn’t your normal cat, and I hope it didn’t freak you out too much. He’s very well behaved and really sweet when you get to know him. The way I figured it, owning a cat with two heads is way, way better than actually owning two whole separate cats. Still, I like to think of Frank as one cat instead of two cats; it’s less confusing for everyone involved I think. Although I think technically you could make a strong case that he is two cats, seeing as how he has two brains and all. Whatever, he’s just Frank to me. Anyway, like I said, he’s very sweet and I know you’ll grow to love him. Left Frank likes his ears scratched, Right Frank likes to be tickled under the chin. (That’s his left and right, not yours. Kind of important, because Left Frank actually hates to be tickled under the chin and will bite the hell out of your fingers if you even get close to doing that.) Left Frank is an outdoor cat and Right Frank is in indoor cat, so for about two hours every morning Frank sits there in the middle of the living room fighting himself until one half of him gives up, and you’ll always know which one wins when you come home from work and find him either in the backyard or lying on the bed. Sometimes I try to guess on the way home. Try it!
Oh, for the purpose of ease, I have two cat bowls in the kitchen. Just fill them both and let him eat. The good news is, he only has one stomach and poops like a normal cat. Like I said, way better than owning two separate cats.
Make yourself at home. The sheets on the bed are clean and the blankets are so warm. I have one of those detachable showerheads; have a blast with that. (I sure do! Ha ha!) Feel free to use the washer and dryer. One thing, just be careful of the couch. It’s very comfortable, but almost too much so. I wouldn’t suggest sitting on it for longer than a couple hours at a time. This might sound a little crazy, but I think it’s cursed. When I first bought it a couple years ago, I had a problem with not being able to get up off of it. I mean, literally. I lost my job and seventy-five pounds, not to mention all the things in my pockets. It pretty much sucked away my soul. Then I woke up one day in the couch. Seriously, like, inside it. I fell into some weird couch land, ruled by the TV remote control, and his army was all the loose change I’d lost between the cushions, and I had to do battle in this huge arena with a corkscrew I’d lost a week before, and my best friend was a kernel of corn. But I did find my driver’s license, and once I made my way out, I felt much better than I had been. It’s a long story, but the point is, be careful of the couch.
I’ll be back as soon as I can. This isn’t something I want to do, but the latest U.S. Census report says that at this rate, everyone in the country will be on some reality show before the year 2011, and I figured I might as well get mine out of the way. I really felt like this was the best one to do. Some of those other shows are just so pandering and degrading. Besides, helping a circus clown and a cowboy get a chimp across the country with no cash sounds kind of fun in a weird way. By the way, I saw you on Kick Me in the Groin last month. Congrats on making it to the finals.
Hank, I can’t thank you enough. I hope you enjoy your stay. Seriously, make yourself at home. Mi casa, su casa. Give Frank a big kiss for me every day. (Right Frank only; Left Frank would shred your face before you knew what happened.) If you see a bunch of people running down the street in front of the house one day, don’t be alarmed, it’s probably just the city marathon, and not Godzilla. By some amazing coincidence, it may be both, but I highly doubt that. Ha ha!
Thank you Hank!
Carol
P.S. Oh yeah, and by no means should you EVER open the third door on the left in the upstairs hallway. It’s not locked or anything, so I just wanted to make a quick note of that before I forgot. Whew, glad I remembered!
Thank you so much for offering to housesit at the last minute like this. I hope you found the key all right. Either you did, or you gave up and broke in, and now you’re reading this note feeling really guilty about breaking one of my windows. (Ha ha!) I usually get Lucy to take care of things while I’m gone, but this is the week that she goes to build Inuksuks in Montreal. Do you know what Inuksuks are? They are little stone structures built in the image of men to let travelers know they are not alone on long hikes. I don’t know why she’s so into that, but she does it twice a year. She says it calms her soul, which she really needs, because Lucy is pretty tightly wound most of the time. Her parents could not have named her more incorrectly. (HA HA, get it?) Anyway, when she gets really out of control, she goes to Canada and piles rocks on top of each other on hiking trails and she says it really helps. And the weird thing is, she’s not even a hiker herself. She rents a car and drives up as close as she can to the pathways, builds one of these things right in the middle, gets back in the car, and drives about a mile down the path and makes another one. One time I came home after a trip and she had a bunch of those little things on the floor all over my house. Now that I think about it, I’m glad Lucy’s not around.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to be writing a whole big thing about crazy Lucy. I have to tell you some things about how to take care of my house. I don’t know if you’ve housesat before (or is it housesitted? Both of them sound wrong) but I’m sure you’ll be fine. You seem very responsible. I’ve never heard anyone say anything bad about you, Hank. I hope it’s because you’re secretly disemboweling anyone who knows your dirty secrets! Ha ha ha! Seriously though, I hope you’re not a freak.
Okay, so just a few things. By now you’ve probably met Frank. I imagine he came running up to the door when you came in, thinking it was me, and then just stared at you for a while wondering what you’re doing in his house. So cute, huh? Now, obviously Frank isn’t your normal cat, and I hope it didn’t freak you out too much. He’s very well behaved and really sweet when you get to know him. The way I figured it, owning a cat with two heads is way, way better than actually owning two whole separate cats. Still, I like to think of Frank as one cat instead of two cats; it’s less confusing for everyone involved I think. Although I think technically you could make a strong case that he is two cats, seeing as how he has two brains and all. Whatever, he’s just Frank to me. Anyway, like I said, he’s very sweet and I know you’ll grow to love him. Left Frank likes his ears scratched, Right Frank likes to be tickled under the chin. (That’s his left and right, not yours. Kind of important, because Left Frank actually hates to be tickled under the chin and will bite the hell out of your fingers if you even get close to doing that.) Left Frank is an outdoor cat and Right Frank is in indoor cat, so for about two hours every morning Frank sits there in the middle of the living room fighting himself until one half of him gives up, and you’ll always know which one wins when you come home from work and find him either in the backyard or lying on the bed. Sometimes I try to guess on the way home. Try it!
Oh, for the purpose of ease, I have two cat bowls in the kitchen. Just fill them both and let him eat. The good news is, he only has one stomach and poops like a normal cat. Like I said, way better than owning two separate cats.
Make yourself at home. The sheets on the bed are clean and the blankets are so warm. I have one of those detachable showerheads; have a blast with that. (I sure do! Ha ha!) Feel free to use the washer and dryer. One thing, just be careful of the couch. It’s very comfortable, but almost too much so. I wouldn’t suggest sitting on it for longer than a couple hours at a time. This might sound a little crazy, but I think it’s cursed. When I first bought it a couple years ago, I had a problem with not being able to get up off of it. I mean, literally. I lost my job and seventy-five pounds, not to mention all the things in my pockets. It pretty much sucked away my soul. Then I woke up one day in the couch. Seriously, like, inside it. I fell into some weird couch land, ruled by the TV remote control, and his army was all the loose change I’d lost between the cushions, and I had to do battle in this huge arena with a corkscrew I’d lost a week before, and my best friend was a kernel of corn. But I did find my driver’s license, and once I made my way out, I felt much better than I had been. It’s a long story, but the point is, be careful of the couch.
I’ll be back as soon as I can. This isn’t something I want to do, but the latest U.S. Census report says that at this rate, everyone in the country will be on some reality show before the year 2011, and I figured I might as well get mine out of the way. I really felt like this was the best one to do. Some of those other shows are just so pandering and degrading. Besides, helping a circus clown and a cowboy get a chimp across the country with no cash sounds kind of fun in a weird way. By the way, I saw you on Kick Me in the Groin last month. Congrats on making it to the finals.
Hank, I can’t thank you enough. I hope you enjoy your stay. Seriously, make yourself at home. Mi casa, su casa. Give Frank a big kiss for me every day. (Right Frank only; Left Frank would shred your face before you knew what happened.) If you see a bunch of people running down the street in front of the house one day, don’t be alarmed, it’s probably just the city marathon, and not Godzilla. By some amazing coincidence, it may be both, but I highly doubt that. Ha ha!
Thank you Hank!
Carol
P.S. Oh yeah, and by no means should you EVER open the third door on the left in the upstairs hallway. It’s not locked or anything, so I just wanted to make a quick note of that before I forgot. Whew, glad I remembered!
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