A man told me to beware of thirty-three
He said “It was not an easy time for me”
But I’ll get through
Even though I’ve got no miracles to show you
- “Dishes” by Pulp

So it’s come to pass, and I’ve officially achieved thirty-three. My birthday on Friday was sweet. I took the day off work, saw a movie, had lunch with a friend, and celebrity-sighted Michael Keaton reading a newspaper in a café. I’m not one for putting a lot of weight in omens, but I fail to see how running into Batman on one’s birthday could mean anything other than guaranteed good fortune for the year ahead.

I don’t remember seeing any celebrities on or around my thirty-second birthday that would have suggested how the future year would unfold, but the tenor of past 365 days was akin to wandering into a Sizzler and witnessing the annoying redhead from One Day at a Time snuggling with Alan Thicke at a corner table. Need I say more?

I didn’t hear you if you answered, so here’s more. I’ve never personally sucked on the genitals of a donkey, nor do I know anyone that has (or at least nobody that has admitted to having done so, though now that I think about it, I probably know at least a couple), but the general consensus is that it’s an experience that is mostly negative (from the sucker’s standpoint; no one ever thinks of how the donkey feels). Well, thirty-two sort of sucked donkey balls.

Hopefully then I can be forgiven for seeking a glimmer of hope in happening to happen on Mr. Mom on my special day. The fact is, I’ve been a longtime fan of Mr. Keaton. And why not? He’s brilliant. I mean, he was the Purple Panda on Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. Not a lot of people know that. What range! From panda to president, from snowman to speechwriter, from Beetlejuice to…that guy he played in Night Shift. (Bill Blazejowski, but no one knows that. Even I had to look it up.)

So, here’s to thirty-three and the hope that the next year will bring great fortune, good health, and incredible opportunity. And that I’ll run into Angelina Jolie on October 28th, 2006, newly separated from Brad Pitt.