A new guy started working in my office a few months ago, and I disliked him immediately. We’ve never spoken a word to each other, and I’m never proud to admit loathing someone on sight, but I can’t help it. He’s a little fat man, and he waddles when he walks, and even his hands are chubby. His voice is like a lower-pitched Kermit the Frog, and there’s only one volume setting to it: loud.

His office is in my department even though he doesn’t actually work for my department, I guess because it happened to be the nicest vacant office at the time he started, so I’m constantly passing him in the halls and being repulsed by him. I get the impression he’s not married, and against my own will I sometimes imagine that he’s into weird kinky sex with hookers, or maybe even male prostitutes.

His office a couple left turns from my desk, and on a quiet day I can hear him on the phone because he never shuts his door. I don’t have it nearly as bad as Belinda, whose desk is right outside his door. I’ve always felt bad for her, having to hear his stupid, fat, Kermit the Frog voice shouting on the phone every day. I didn’t realize just how bad it was though.

Earlier today, I was sending a document via the fax machine by Belinda’s desk, and while awaiting the send confirmation, I became aware of just how many noises the little fat man makes even when he isn’t on his phone or has someone in his stinky little office. (I’ve never actually noticed an odor from him, but I’d put money on his being smelly.) Every thirty to forty seconds, he would clear his throat loudly, or cough, or cough a few times in a row. I actually stood there timing the frequency of his noises with the stopwatch feature on my cell phone, and it was uncanny. It was almost as if he had his own stopwatch in his office, and he was clearing his pudgy little throat or emitting his flemmy little coughs on cue. I seriously thought of bursting into his office and presenting him with readout on my screen and asking him if he was aware of the annoyance he was inflicting on the world.

I just really don’t like that little loud fat man.