I’m not a bad speller, but I don’t begrudge people who are. The rules of spelling in the English language are a joke. One thing I could personally never keep straight is the whole I before E except after C rule. It’s easy enough to understand, except I guess I just don’t have enough respect for C’s influence over I and E. What strange power of persuasion does C have over those two letters? Or is it simply that C and I don’t get along, and E is stepping in and saying “Enough, you two! I’m separating you. I, you stand here, and C, you stand here, and I’ll be in the middle!”

And then you have words where I and E switch places, and C is NOWHERE to be found. Like weigh. Where the hell is there a C in that word? Okay, so apparently there’s another rule that says that I and E switch places if they combine to make an A sound. I must have been absent in grade school the day they explained that one, because it makes no more sense to me than the other rule. But then you have the word weird. Is this some kind of stupid joke? Is this supposed to be ironic or something? They decided to go all anarchic with that one word because it’s weird? I’m not laughing. Need another example? Okay, my first name. Neil. I’ve been told proper names don’t have to follow normal rules of spelling. I’m really starting to wonder when any word has to follow any normal rule of spelling, ever, quite frankly.

So, I and E can switch places at any time for any reason it seems, but at least that I before E except after C rule is always true, right? WRONG. What about the word raciest? There it is: Photographic evidence that C and I maybe aren’t as unable to get along with each other as we’ve been led to believe. Some might say being that there’s a suffix involved, the rule is voided and this should be an obvious exception. OBVIOUS TO WHO, I ask! What about some immigrant?! They’re fresh off the boat, confused, penniless, eager to begin speaking and writing in their new language, so they take an English course. In this new, topsy-turvy world into which they’ve been thrown, they’re looking for just one piece of solid truth that they can hang their foreign-made hat on, and they are given this: I before E except after C. They are so overwhelmed with joy at this certainty that they almost want to weep. Then, perhaps only days later, they are perusing a newspaper or magazine and happen upon a word that dashes their belief that there can be an absolute about anything in this bitch of a country.

It’s obvious to me now. The I before E except after C rule was invented by the rich, to keep down the proletariat. That’s right. The next time you see some rich bastard on the street, ask them how to spell D-E-C-E-I-T, and I’ll bet you all the money in the world that they get it right.