I took a walk on the Promenade and went into a few stores, and for some reason I set off the theft alarms upon entering and exiting each one. It was kind of cool when I entered, as if I was being announced with some kind of fanfare. But having them go off every time I walked out was a little embarrassing.

In every case, I simply let the sound go off around me and kept walking, but as I walked out of Urban Outfitters, the nervous-looking store greeter actually had me come in (setting off the alarm again, of course), and then, not having any idea of what to do once I did return, just kind of stared at me for a little bit. He looked around for...I don't know, a security guard, and not finding one, decided to take things into his own hands by asking me empty my pockets. I went for the left one first, not wishing to start with the right and have to possibly explain why it contains a small plastic toy turtle and a green egg-shaped stone that I've been carrying with me since 1994. Instead I pulled out my car keys and my security badge for work. Relieved, he said "oh, it was probably that." I knew full well it most likely wasn't since I've entered many stores on other days with it in my pocket without setting off alarms, so I waved it in front of the alarm system. It did nothing. I think at that point my jerk gene was kicking in, because then I turned and just looked at him, waiting for him to try something else. Again, he just stared at me uncomfortably. So I said "bye" and walked out, complete with my computerized fanfare.

Seriously though, what's up with the false alarms? Is it my magnetic personality? (HA HA HA HA!) For a moment I actually had to wonder if I'm suffering from some kind of intense kleptomania where I live in such denial that I literally have no idea I'm stealing. But if that's so, WHERE IS ALL MY FREE STUFF?